The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
