He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
