I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
