so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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