Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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