I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
