beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
