mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
