if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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