I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
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i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
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Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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