My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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