I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
