I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
