I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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