Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
