she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
