Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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