And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We're too hungover to prance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
