when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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