I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
