apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
