Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
