I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
