Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
