i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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