I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
