In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
