just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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