Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
