When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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