I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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