i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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