Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
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wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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