I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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