im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
