Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
