you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
