So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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