we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
