I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
