FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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