do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
