He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
