I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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