i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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