a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am available for nakedness
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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