Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
