Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
