They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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