Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
