Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
