There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
