if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
