I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
