The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
