I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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