i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
