yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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